“I wish I had a reality show. Then you could see how hard I’m working.” –Oliver Perez
Maybe Snoop Manuel isn’t in a hurry to get him back on the baseball field, but television executives are now scrambling to capitalize on Perez’s latest wish: to have his own reality television show. Luckily, there are many reality T.V. formats that Oliver can slide right into, since there are so many variations on old ideas. Here, the crack staff has come up with a few:
Oliver Perez: My Life On The D.L.:
When cameras follow Perez during his stints on the disabled list attending Magic games and eating chicken wings at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, the hilarity ensues. The best part of selling this show is that there’s already enough material for six seasons.
Fire Me, Please:
In this adapation of an adaptation of a British show, Perez tries to get the Mets to release him from his contract by giving up tape-measure bombs, tweaking his knee, and refusing minor league assignments. If he can do it, he wins $25,000. This also has the potential to last for multiple seasons, but hopefully not more than two. Anna Benson makes an appearance as “Mrs. Perez.”
The Biggest Loser:
This could be fun. First, Oliver gets sent to the World Baseball Classic, where he gains twenty pounds eating Five Guys burgers and shakes. Then, he fulfills weekly challenges like jumping over the foul line and planting seeds in the bullpen in a race against time to lose the excess weight by Opening Day. Hosted by Ted Higuera, with special appearances by Butch Huskey as Perez’s trainer.
Bachelorettes In Alaska:
Oliver Perez is in Alaska to … well the rest doesn’t really matter because Oliver Perez is in Alaska. What Met fan doesn’t want to see that? Ratings bonanza.
Perez, like Shaquille O’Neal. tries his hand at other sports, and challenges the best in the world at sports like … bowling. And fishing. And in a very poignant moment, the checkers episode where he tweaks his knee.
I Survived A Japanese Baseball League:
Perez is traded to Japan as he attempts to learn to pitch while learning a whole new culture. The twist is that every time Perez fails to register a quality start, he’s forced to dress as a baby and fill cups of milk after spinning himself dizzy. Because that happens in the Japanese league, right?