norad tracks oliver perez

Deter. Detect. Defend

Norad has announced that it will be tracking the home run ball that Corey Hart hit off Oliver Perez in the third inning of the Mets’ loss to the Brewers on Saturday. Ollie Claus has sent the ball on a mission to leave gifts to all the good little boys and girls in celebration of “Bullpen Day”, the holiday that commemorates the day Ollie Claus decided it would be better to “work things out in the majors” rather than go to Buffalo where he belongs. Kids everywhere (except Queens) are eagerly awaiting the bounty of gifts that is coming their way courtesy of Ollie Claus and his magic ball.

The ball starts its journey over the grand city of Milwaukee over this building, which was apparently once used as the backdrop for a Lipitor commercial. Seriously.

Fernando Nieve may have given up a home run that was technically longer and more damaging in the first inning, but for crying out loud the guy pitched every day for the last seven months and now is being asked to start. He’s thrown a million pitches, what did you expect? Ollie Claus, on the other hand, hadn’t thrown a pitch in a week and has had plenty of time to “work things out” in the bullpen while he helps Snoop Manuel waste a roster spot because he wants to use his rights under the collective bargaining agreement to stay in the majors, hamstring the Mets, and make this blogger’s life miserable.

Norad has now spotted the home run ball giving gifts to the people of Denver as it makes its way over the rocky mountains.

I’m just happy that at the very moment Perez was asked to get ready to go into an important game, that the first thing on his mind was to grab five pieces of f***ing gum!

The ball is now sending gifts to San Francisco, where Matt Cain is trying to grab it and throw it at David Wright’s head.

Without that $39 million contract, Oliver Perez is a AA player that nobody has ever heard of expect as a roster filler for Mexico’s World Baseball “Classic” team. The days of baseball fans watching this guy collect his paycheck with a ski mask and a gun and saying “but he has such great stuff” are over. Because I can’t remember the last time Perez displayed any sort of “stuff”, unless you count an 85 mph fastball and a slider that couldn’t hit the side of a McDonald’s as “stuff”.

Norad now reports that the ball is over Tokyo, scouting for Ollie Claus’ next job.

And before you start reminding me that Nieve was the one that gave up more runs, remember that Nieve wouldn’t have even been in the position of having to start a game after pitching out of the bullpen four times a day if Ollie Claus had proven more useful than expired aspirin when he was in the rotation.

The ball is now making a goodwill tour through the site of the next Winter Olympics, Sochi Russia. Ollie Claus might have to explore a new career as an Olympic biathlete … that is if he can make his way through all the protesters from the Ornithological Societies of North America.

Doc Halladay pitches a perfect game, and the Flyers are in the Stanley Cup Finals. Meanwhile, Queens gets Oliver Perez. Forsakenness is an official sponsor of Citi Field, along with Cash For Gold.

Hey there goes the magic ball over Iceland. What’s more dangerous now, standing near Eyjafjallajökull, or having an apartment near a National League ballpark when Perez is pitching? A vacation near a volcano doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?

Enough. Can’t send him to the minors? Fine. Release him. Trade him for a roach infested Coca-Cola machine. I don’t care. At least you aren’t going to find him breaking his leg in a bizarre celebration incident. Because Ollie Claus has nothing to celebrate on a baseball field, ever.

And thus, our journey ends as the ball has finally found its home at the North Pole … waiting for the next time it gets to spread good cheer to all the good boys and girls that don’t live in New York. Be sure to join Norad, Ollie Claus and magic ball for the next “Bullpen Day”, a magic journey coming to a ballpark near you.  Remember, Ollie Claus knows who’s been naughty, who’s been nice, and who in the bullpen has the Dubble Bubble.


About metstradamus

I've been a Mets fan since 1976. The 1988 NLCS still bothers me infinitely more than it should. I also write about hockey for Puck Drunk Love. I've also been referred to as "Mr. Testosterone", and "this clown". We'll always have 2015.