Notes From the Axis of Evil

Jonathan_PapelbonThe rest of the N.L. East, that is.

Jonathan Papelbon, he of the A-plus stuff, advancing maturity, and celebratory antics, became a Philadelphia Phillie on Friday, pending a physical. Hey, don’t expect me to moan and bitch every time Cinco Ocho screams like a loon after a save. I root for a team that employed Frankie Rodriguez, for crying out loud. Don’t want to see it? Score runs off him. Bottom line. But God help me the first time Cole Hamels or any one of those sanctimonious hypocrites give an interview about how Papelbon’s intensity really picks up the team and is good for the game. Allow me to send out a pre-emptive “bite me” for that one, because you know it’s coming.

It isn’t a half-bad move for the Phillies at 4 years and $50 million. But holy vesting option Batman! A fifth season at another ten million? It’s almost as if Omar Minaya traded faces with Ruben Amaro, and Omar with Ruben’s face is handing out vesting options like they’re candy. “Ten million if Papelbon gets four saves in four years! Capital idea!!!” Meanwhile, Ruben has Omar’s face and he’s roaming the streets preaching fiscal responsibility and yelling “I never would have signed Luis Castillo!!! You have to believe me!!!”

This could be good news for the Mets as it would mean that they would have little to no money left to sign Jose Reyes, which is fine by me, because that’s one nightmare I could do without. But the one I can’t avoid is the Miami Marlins’ new hats and jerseys. You know how you’re visiting a city, and you’re in the airport on your way home when suddenly you remember that there’s somebody you forgot to get a souvenir for, and you run to the first rip-off store you find and pick up a t-shirt with the city’s name on it for that person? That’s what the new Miami Marlins merchandise looks like. Cheap t-shirts that you get for your mother at the last minute at the Miami airport.

But if you don’t believe me, check out this exclusive picture from Friday night’s jersey unveiling after the jump (I believe this is the alternate jersey):

It’s going to be sickening to see Jose Reyes wear one of these jerseys. I hope they didn’t show him this at Joe’s Crab Shack … it could have scuttlebutted the whole damn thing.

Good news from within the division. Excellent news, actually. Let’s all Tebow in unison for the safe return of Wilson Ramos, who is back in the right hands after being kidnapped in Venezuela. This is the best news I’ve had all week. Now get back safe to where you belong … in a ballpark ripping the hearts out of the Mets like you usually do.

And that leaves the Braves.

I have nothing to say about them. Screw those bastards.


About metstradamus

I've been a Mets fan since 1976. The 1988 NLCS still bothers me infinitely more than it should. I also write about hockey for Puck Drunk Love. I've also been referred to as "Mr. Testosterone", and "this clown". We'll always have 2015.