Some of these things I write, I have no idea where to begin. This one is easy:
The bottom of the fifth on Friday is one of those innings that will be played over and over again on a loop in the room that Bernie Madoff will eventually spend eternity in when he gets to hell. It started not so innocently when Eric Young Jr. hit one to starter Chris Schwinden, and he pulled Zach Lutz off the bag on a throw pitchers make in their sleep. As for Lutz, he’s not a first baseman … he played third base exclusively until last season in the minors. But that’s really not an excuse for failing to bend to tag a sliding Young. I know those major league spreads are pretty damn good. But Zachary, freakin’ bend would ya?
The second error of the inning came when Young stole second and Mike Nickeas threw the ball into center off of Daniel Murphy’s glove and sent Young to third. Then Schwinden continued his descent to the clubhouse with a walk to Marco Scutaro, a single for Jonathan Herrera, and a home run to Carlos Gonzalez that landed somewhere back in Buffalo where Schwinden might wind up soon. Tie game, and it was to the showers with Schwinden who pulled off the impossible with his first start of the season: He made Mets fans miss Mike Pelfrey.
The Mets then gave the ball to Manny Acosta, which is kind of like giving a blind man a lamp working torch and a coke bottle and asking him to make you a glass replica of Shea Stadium. Troy Tulowitzki, who has sent his resume to Larry Jones for approval to take over as chief Mets murderer, singled to go along with his monster home run off Schwinden earlier in the evening. Todd Helton singled, Michael Cuddyer walked, and then Ruben Tejada tagged out Todd Helton going to third for (gasp) an out. Then, after Tejada dropped a pick off throw to move the runners up (error number three), Dexter Fowler slammed a three run shot and flipped his bat for good measure. For me, that was a reason enough to drill Fowler in the back his next time up, but then I forgot that these are the New York Mets we’re talking about, and you have to damn near come to the mound and stab a Mets pitcher in the stomach to get them to throw at you. And even then …
Now just when you thought it was over, Young walked, Scutaro singled, and Acosta hit Herrera with a pitch. Then Carlos Gonzalez singled to drive home Young and Scutaro. Herrera, with the ball already in Zach Lutz’s glove 30 feet from the plate, was coming to the plate as well. It was pure stupidity by the third base coach, Rich Dauer, who was waving his arm around for the first two runners and didn’t stop waving his arm until Herrera was one step away from third base. He never put up the stop sign, so this was on Dauer and not Herrera. But for all the times you can beat the Mets at baseball, you can’t beat them at stupidity. And Lutz, with Herrera a dead duck, threw a thirty foot sure out wide of Nickeas who dropped it and allowed Herrera to score the eleventh run of the inning. (Not a debut in the starting lineup that will be put in the annals … unless you’re thinking of Rockies Classics.) You read right, eleven runs, four errors, and another television thrown out of my window. Shame too, as this one got HD. At least I learned that high definition allows you to see suck so much more clearly.
I wonder all the televisions I threw out the window will be the ones waiting for me in hell so I can watch this inning over and over again.
The Mets tried to come back on the strength of Scott Hairston’s cycle as they cut the Rockies’ lead to 13-9, but Bobby Parnell put the cherry on top of the landfill by giving up an opposite field grannie to Ramon Hernandez. The Mets had Hairston hit for the cycle, Tejada collect four hits, and somehow lost by nine runs. The good thing to come out of this game is that people have already totally forgotten that Lucas Duda completely butchered the art of playing right field early in the game. The bad thing is that they’ve already forgotten about the cycle and about Tejada’s four hits.