Your Grocer’s Freezer Of Love (And Hate)

Dickey_MeringueThursday was one of those days where nothing substantial happened, yet there’s a lot of talking points, one-liners, and grocery jokes out there. Just your typical Mets off-season day, right?

Just the R.A. Dickey news is enough to make your head spin. You’ve got Ken Rosenthal saying that the Mets are shopping him around. Then you have Sandy Alderson saying that the focus is to re-sign him. Who to believe? Probably everybody and nobody at the same time.

Here’s what makes me cringe: Joel Sherman started all this by saying …

“While Dickey told reporters in Manhattan that there was “progress” in negotiations, the impression the Mets were leaving on executives at the General Managers Meetings was that there was a substantial gap between what they are willing to offer the righty and what they perceive Dickey wants.”

What they perceive Dickey wants? How are they perceiving this? Did they get numbers from his agent? Or are they “perceiving” these astronomical numbers so that when they trade Dickey they can turn around and say “well hey, we tried … but he’s a greedy old man!” Do you put that past the Mets? How about stop perceiving and just stick to the negotiating.

Sure, if Dickey really wants four or five years as is being thrown out there, and he sticks to that, the Mets might have no choice but to deal him. But most likely, this is all just part of the … wait for it … negotiation. (Gasp!) Remember, same thing that I like to remind you folks every season, half to all of the “news” that comes out of GM meetings, winter meetings, or whatever meetings are being run by men in suits at the time is nothing more than red herrings, lead balloons, and other nonsense that the suits want you to hear. Posturing, nothing more. It’s why I can’t get excited when reports come out that say something like “talks between David Wright and the Mets are progressing”. I don’t even know what that means. Does it mean that they are trading numbers? Or did J.P. Ricciardi sit David Wright down at a McDonald’s and say “sooooooo, David … what do you see yourself doing in 2014 and what uniform are you wearing in these daydreams?” 

And I’ll hold fast to this on whether Dickey should be traded: If the Mets are offered a package which includes a prized prospect or two by a desperate team who is one 38-year-old pitcher away from winning the World Series, then Sandy Alderson would be crazy not to do it. That would be the textbook definition of maximizing value. But whether they are actually shopping him or not, I don’t think anybody is going to offer that kind of package for a 38-year-old coming off abdominal surgery, Cy Young or no Cy Young. And there’s no way that Alderson should (or I think would, willingly) accept anything less. If he does, then either he’s an idior, or more likely, he was cornered into doing so by the Mets awful finances.

By the way, not that I would ever advocate this, but as long as we’re discussing the possibility of Dickey being traded: the masochistic side of me wonders what kind of season R.A. Dickey would have if he made half his starts in Tropicana Field. 72 degrees, cool, comfortable, no rain or humidity (I can confirm that the building keeps the humidity out very well), that would be one hell of a season for him and his knuckler. It might be the same kind of season I used to imagine Mike Piazza would have had if he had played in Coors Field during his prime.

Speaking of things that I don’t understand, here’s Scott Boras

At the winter meetings in Dallas last year, the agent had this to say of the financially troubled Los Angeles Dodgers and New York Mets: “Normally, they’re in the steaks section, and I found them in the fruits-and-nuts category a lot.” Since then, the Dodgers have been sold for $2 billion. The Mets owners have agreed to pay up to $162 million – and likely much less – in a deal with the trustee for Bernard Madoff’s fraud victims. So on Wednesday at the general managers’ meeting, Boras said his view of the Dodgers had changed. “I think they bought the store,” he said. And as for the Mets? “The best you can say is that they might be in the freezer section,” he explained. “But there’s a lot of good, longstanding products that they can acquire there.”

First off, fruits and nuts? Those aren’t nice ways to refer to Andres Torres and Ramon Ramirez. I know the Pagan trade didn’t quite work out but c’mon, Scott. You’re better than that.

All right, no he’s not. But obviously Frank Francisco came from that nut section. Because every time he came in the game I felt like I had been kicked in the nuts. And what the hell is this about the freezer section? Good, longstanding products? I looked in my freezer just now. You know what’s in there? A box of empanadas that have been there for at least three years, easy. I cooked one of them when I got them, and not only was it too complicated, it wasn’t as good as I was given reason to expect. That’s what you can get from the freezer. And it sounds an awful lot like Gary Sheffield. This is what you can get at the freezer. Those empanadas aren’t good, or longstanding. And sadly, probably neither is anything the Mets can find in Scott Boras’ version of the freezer.

Speaking of what you can find in your grocer’s freezer: SNY’s Loudmouths panel, which if you’ve never seen the show consists of Adam Schein and Chris Carlin, nearly fell over themselves extolling the virtues of a guy named Shane Victorino and why he would be a great fit for the Mets … in part because Alderson turned into Don Rickles when asked about the Mets outfield, (“What outfield?”) And he said that Lucas Duda “comes with a lot of furniture” (Complicated, wrist breaking furniture). Yeah, Shane Victorino is a gritty winner, they say. He’s just what the Mets need, they say.

Am I going to have to put up with this all winter? The biggest sanctimonious prick of them all in a Mets uniform? So he could proceed to forget how to play center field and run the bases, which is pretty much all he’s going to have left on the other side of 30, right? It’s going to be Mike Stanton all over again. That idiot came to the Mets and had no shame about flaunting his Yankee pedigree. (This was the guy, if I remember correctly, made snide remarks about the Mets efforts after 9/11, saying something like “well we don’t flaunt our charitable efforts in the media … so to hell with him), and then he came to the Mets as a free agent with this Yankee Pedigree® and he was so rancid that Felix Heredia was considered an upgrade. And Heredia pitched three games as a Met and never pitched again.

Folks, this is our future, if Shane Victorino is to become a Met. Imagine a world where R.A. Dickey is traded for two rags doused in chloroform, and Victorino is wearing orange and blue. Tell me what I’m supposed to do. Root for a guy who was voted into the Hall of Hate by a freakin’ landslide … just because “well, he’s our guy now?” And the Mets are supposed to sign him just because we have no outfield? Because that’s really what it would take for the Mets to sign Victorino … having absolutely no outfield. It’s like if somebody came up to you and asked you: if you and Shane Victorino were the only two people left on earth, would you sign him to play center field? Well me? I’d send him off to go find Dayton Moore. But the joke would be on him because we’d be the last two people on earth.

In other words, I’d rather have Kirk Nieuwenhuis and the two chloroform rags play the outfield.


About Metstradamus

I've been a Mets fan since 1976. The 1988 NLCS still bothers me infinitely more than it should. Keep reaching for the stars, and then get checked for a torn ligament.