Oliver Perez Mariners

It’s All Relative

Lucas Duda annoys me less this season than he did last season. Of course, that's like saying that fire is much more effective when exposed directly to something other than my testicles. But Duda's three run HR was the difference for the Mets in their latest death struggle victory over the 54-92 Miami Marlins on Friday. The catch is that Duda's HR will probably convince a whole boatload of people that Duda will be just fine as the Mets' first baseman next season. And if it convinces the wrong people, then we … are … screwed.

But here's the good news: If you're a fan of this great game we call baseball, then you get to watch not one, but two games today between the Mets and the Marlins. And not only that, the first game features Daisuke Matsuzaka! Holy hell, it's like we all died and went to purgatory!!! Fun. And for those of you attending the doubleheader, remember: free psychiatric evaluations by the left field gate for the first 20,000 fans. (And free ephedrine to everyone who stays until the end of the second game, which after Daisuke pitches the first game and the second one goes 35 innings, might be Monday morning.)

But don't despair. I bet this will cheer you up:

Technically, this was a passed ball by Mike Zunino that ended the Mariners game tonight. Screw that. Zunino was set up outside, so what does Oliver Perez do? Throw inside … of course! No wonder he dropped it. And by the way, Perez's night consisted of two walks … and nothing else … before the passed ball. So ha freakin' ha. Jackass. About time you reverted to your pumpkin ass self. The only worse fate Met fans can have during this surely awful doubleheader today would be to see your sorry ass hit the mound one more time.

I know, I know. Perez has had a better year than usual. But that's like saying I got more use out of bleach when I stopped drinking it.


About metstradamus

I've been a Mets fan since 1976. The 1988 NLCS still bothers me infinitely more than it should. I also write about hockey for Puck Drunk Love. I've also been referred to as "Mr. Testosterone", and "this clown". We'll always have 2015.