If you're reading this like I want you to, then tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this post is going to be a rough f*cking ride.
I understand that this is supposed to be the "punt" year. And I could deal with it when the Mets pull this garbage against superior teams. Or equal teams. Or even teams slightly worse. The Miami Marlins are an abomination to professional sports … on the field and off. And they just won a series against the Mets. And they did it in a way that would make Jeremy Reed blush.
First off, they don't deserve to win. I could give a good f*ck about how well Jeremy Hefner pitched. Eight shutout innings against the Marlins without Giancarlo Stanton? Whoop de damn do. I grade on a curve. I'm more impressed by Zack Wheeler dominating the Reno Aces. They're probably better than the Miami Marlins … and by extension, better than the New York Mets, who are now Marlins North. So don't expect me to come on here and be happy because Jeremy Hefner pitched eight shutout innings against the Marlins, who have scored at a historically low rate this season.
I would have been more impressed had the Mets scored more off of Kevin Slowey, who hadn't won since 2010 … and he pitched in 2011! He had pretty much the exact same line as Hefner against what is supposedly a better lineup, though I'm not so sure anymore. But this has been going on for years with this team, not getting hits off the likes of Slowey, Jonathan Pettibone, and Alex Sanabia. And it's time we stop giving this team free passes after every four game hot streak. (And speaking of free passes, it gets harder and harder to defend Ike Davis. He's got the talent to be the best first baseman in the league and he's throwing it the f*ck away and it's finally starting to drive me up a damn wall. Does it count for something that Ike cheers loudly from the dugout for his teammates? No it doesn't, Ike! Because you're hitting .165 … and your alter ego "Drunk Ike" has been f*cking up at the sober events too!) It's completely unacceptable and because of this lineup, this team deserved to lose on Tuesday. And no bad umpire call should overshadow that.
That said, Tim F*cking McClelland should get out of this league. He's been a major league umpire for a long time, and it's obvious he's just going through the motions. Bad enough he takes five minutes to call a strike at the plate. But with a runner on second in the ninth on a single and a horrendous passed ball by Anthony Recker, Juan Pierre sacrificed Chris Coghlan to third. Recker fired, and Coghlan beat the throw. But David Wright held the tag long enough to nail Coghlan has he overslid the bag. One problem: McClelland didn't see Coghlan's foot off the based because he was blocked by David Wright's foot … which is a copout. Nobody was preventing McClelland from moving to get a better look, but he obviously didn't. That's not being blocked, that's being lazy. Newsflash: If he's been in this league so long that he doesn't feel the need to move to get a better look, then he should go get a desk job somewhere. Wrong calls happen. Lazy calls are mind numbing. And speaking of desk job, double f*cking newsflash: can the guy with the highest desk job in baseball figure out some sort of common sense replay system already?
But then the ninth inning continued, and predictably, it continued down a long ugly path to hell. Brandon Lyon came in after the lazy call by McClelland instead of Bobby Parnell, who was reportedly none too pleased about the snub (though he could have been upset for a number of reasons … yeah sure), and Lyon proceeded to do what he normally does when he gets called into a ninth inning: screw up. He gave up a single to Donovan Solano to tie the game, and then Terry Collins decided to walk Placido Polanco to get to Met killer Greg Dobbs, which is no more insane than issuing an intentional walk on a 1-2 count, leaving in Scott Rice to face the heart of the Dodger order, keeping a lineup intact that got three hit by Kyle Kendrick, or announcing Collin Cowgill as the every day center fielder and then platooning him four days into the season. But it was still insane. The ironic part was that Dobbs didn't even get to see a real pitch as Lyon's wild pitch (which Recker really should have corralled) won the game and the series for the Miami Marlins. At least the Marlins North are doing us all a big favor and collapsing before our very eyes after three weeks and not three months, which should give everybody plenty of time to make alternate plans post all-star break to go to Cabo, Aruba, or Siberia … since that would seem more friendly than Flushing at this point. In the words of a young'n who represents the future of America: "We f*cking suck so far."
And to think we get to do this again in just a few hours!
Maybe this will cheer you up: